3 Exercises for Emotional Regulation
Between my BPD, anxiety, and depression (not to mention ADHD), I usually find it really difficult to process emotions as they come to me. Whether it’s a fight with my partner, Richard, or a comment someone made at work that triggered me, there are so many moments that cause me to break down, cry, react, or panic, and just generally cause me emotional distress. The key isn’t stopping those hard feelings from arising, but letting them pass.
In moments like these, when I recognize my anxiety showing up in physical symptoms – sudden stomach or headache, speeding heart rate – or negative self talk, I stop myself and ask “are these feelings real and true, or did something happen that has triggered this response?” The answer, which is usually the latter, then allows me to see, uh oh, I could use some help right now. That’s when I open my toolkit and see what sticks. Or, if I am not able to see it myself, Richard now knows the things to do when he can tell I am overwhelmed and need some extra love and support. It’s the act of taking care of yourself, nurturing your inner child that is scared and hurt. Not fighting with it or adding fuel to the fire. Here are a few things I do when I need some help regulating my emotion:
Tip #1: Submerge your face in a bowl of ice water for 20 seconds.
The first time I used this tool I was surprised at how quickly it worked. After I dried off, I really did feel better. Like the spiral was cut off. So grab a big bowl, fill it with ice water, and submerge!
Tip #2: 54321 Breathing Exercise.
While taking deep, even breaths, acknowledge:
FIVE things you see around you. It could be a blanket, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your cat, a pillow, or your hands rubbing together.
THREE things you can hear, outside of your body. Like a cat purring, a siren, the fridge rumbling.
TWO things you can smell. I like to keep a candle in the living room and bedroom for this exact purpose. Or honestly even just smelling my hair usually works (if I washed it recently, that is).
ONE thing you can taste. If you don’t have any food or drink near you, you can observe what the inside of your mouth tastes like.
Tip #3: RAIN Meditation
My Self Soothing Toolkit
With the help of my therapist and coach, I’ve assembled a toolkit of skills to calm and self-soothe when I feel my emotions spiraling out of control.
Have a mini spa night. Take a hot bath, light a candle, put on a face mask and read a good book while listening to Taylor Swift. I find that touching myself (like doing skincare) helps more than anything.
Write it out and journal. For a writer, it’s actually not too often that I write for myself these days. But when I do, it feels really freaking good. Even if it's just writing a stream of consciousness, getting the thoughts out of your head and onto the page makes a huge difference.
My personal fave, depending on my mood, is to dance it out in my underwear. Turn on some Maggie Rogers, light a candle, and just vibe.
Watch Gilmore Girls. Or the Little Mermaid. Something comforting and nostalgic. Right now I am really into Encanto (I mean who isn't) but anything that makes you feel good will do.
I love to bake so baking anything always helps me feel better. My husband loves to eat the batter so it really is a win win.
Sometimes when I am feeling ballsy, I will attempt to film a skincare tutorial. Usually I end up with a terrible video but doing your nightly routine feels good. You’ll have fun, it won’t matter.
My go to from my toolkit is to play with the cats. We have three so I can usually find one who is down to chase the laser pointer. If I dont have the energy, even just petting them does the trick. Even now, I have my little man Maverick asleep on my lap. Feeling his soft fur grounds me like no other. Either way, just smoosh them.
My personal fave: organize shit. Maybe the bookshelf needs some love. Or the tupperware drawer. Pick your poison and get to work. Again, don’t forget the Taylor Swift. Do you see a pattern?
If I am feeling particularly impulsive, I like to go to the container store or Target. I find it so comforting and I could spend hours there, even If I don't spend any money. That's rare, but it does happen.
If you don’t want to spend any money, which will inevitably happen if you go to either of those stores, take a walk around the block. Bring your headphones and sing out loud. Fuck everyone around you, just enjoy the fresh air.
Another fave: Masturbate. Weirdly, when I have a tummy ache, rubbing one out makes me feel better. But since Richard and I moved in together, usually I will just ask him if he wants to bone. He always says yes. But just make sure you finish! #pleasureequality
If the energy in your home is feeling off, it doesn't hurt to smudge everything. Grab some sage or palo santo. Open a window for the negative energy to go out of and then hit all the corners and doors. When you are done, you can also turn on the diffuser to do some aromatherapy.
An easy one that I often forget about is calling a friend. Someone you are just thinking about and wanna say hi to. They will appreciate it and you will feel better.
Another favorite and easy self soothing tool I use is to paint my nails and watch a rom com. My personal fave is Notting Hill or Bridget Jones' Diary, or more recently, Someone Great on Netflix.
My most frequent tool I use is meditation. This doesn’t work too well if you are trying to come down from an intense feeling, but after an hour or so, or most likely before bed, this will help so much. I personally use InsightTimer with a pair of headphones for some guided meditation. And every night before bed, I fall asleep to Yoga Nidra.
Deep breaths. This really should be number one, but it is so natural to me now that I honestly forgot about it. Breathing is your body’s natural regulator!
Do arts & crafts. Use your coloring book, embroider something, paint, etc. Just don’t forget to clean up after yourself… that's lowkey a note to self but it doesn't hurt to remind y’all too.
Smoke weed, baby doll. My psychiatrist really doesn’t agree with me on this but it’s okay. This is my toolkit, not hers. Depending on the time of day, I try to stick with hybrids or indica. I used to be able to smoke sativa but I found out it makes my anxiety way worse. For daytime, a favorite of mine is Gorilla Cookies, which is like a 60-40 sativa indica split hybrid that makes me feel creative and uplifted. And for nighttime, I have been loving Danny Daweedo by Fire Bros. It's a bit couch locky but I don't mind it if I had a particularly intense day.
Play some guitar. I like to jam out to early tswift for something comforting. Like Mean or Love Story. This used to be my number one skill but somewhere along the way it fell down the list.
Last but not least, the easiest and hardest thing on this list, is to be nice to yourself. Tell yourself nice things. You are loved. You are kind. You are hardworking. You are okay. You are not crazy. Your feelings are valid. You are strong and brave.