10 Things I Wish I Knew In College That I Know Now
When I graduated high school in 2014 and packed my bags for NYU London, I had no idea what the next four years would have in store for me. From what the movies and shows depicted, I thought it would be endless laughs, love, and nights spent partying. Boy oh boy was I wrong.
Here is the advice I would have given to my younger self.
Romantic relationships come and go, but friendships have the potential to stay forever. While nothing is wrong with finding a long-term partner, I wish that I had spent more time building friendships as opposed to fostering a long-term romantic relationship. If you do happen to meet The One, make sure you spend time building your own hobbies and relationships outside of the couple.
You have your entire life to work. College is the best time to figure out what your interests are and to play around! Maybe it's finding hobbies that you enjoy painting arts and crafts music. It's joining the clubs. It's making sure that you're prioritizing yourself as much as you're prioritizing the other things in life.
Your grades, GPA, and major don’t matter as much as you think they do. Sure they might be on your diploma but after you find your first job, no one will ask you again about your time in college. If there's one thing that I learned it's that your mental health and wellbeing is way more important than what's on some flimsy piece of paper.
College is just the beginning of your adventure. We put so much pressure on ourselves to figure everything out when we are still growing at that age.
Get organized, set priorities, set goals, and ask yourself: how do I wanna be spending my time during this semester? You know, do I want to be working the entire time? Do I want to be sitting at a desk? Do I wanna be like, uh, falling asleep in the library until 3:00 AM? Or do I want to be, you know, making new friends in clubs, trying out a new dance class? Do I want to, you know, explore these different parts of the city you had there? Isn't just one way to spend your time. And I think the more we can prioritize like that personal element to it, um, the easier it will be to balance planning for the future and living in the present.
Listen to your gut when it comes to saying yes to new adventures and saying no when you want to. So if you get invited somewhere and, and your gut is like, Oh, that sounds really fun. It's a little out of my comfort zone, but like I'm excited about it. Then that's a good idea to go and to push yourself, but to also listen to your gut throughout the evening and be like, if things are getting out of control, if people are trying to pressure you to drink, if it's just getting too far out of your comfort zone, then it's being able to be like, okay, I think I've had enough.
The people you surround yourself with can deeply impact your experience. So choose wisely.
Reframing your mindset is a crucial thing to having a positive college experience because we are all in our heads. So much of the time that it takes just a little bit of dialectical thinking to pull yourself out of it in order to change your entire experience.
You are the one in control of your life and you determine how you want that life to be lived. Don’t let other people's expectations dictate the way that we live our lives.
There are no rules. Everything is made up, nothing is real. You can do anything you want. Even in college, you have the freedom to make the choices that you want, and it just takes a little bit of digging.
Everything You Need to Know About Mindful Hustling
Mindful Hustling is a concept that essentially allows entrepreneurs, or really anyone, to live a more happy and fulfilling life by making choices that reflect their true values and authentic self. I also find it incredibly helpful for people who struggle with mental illness but are still ambitious and driven. I.e meeeee!
I was inspired to learn more about this after my coach Jenni taught me about value misalignment, which is basically a fancy way of saying that your values as a person are not aligning with the values of the job or people you are working with. For me, I was working for people who treated me poorly, I didn't know how to set boundaries via email without coming off as a bitch, and the work that I was doing wasn't stimulating in the ways I needed it to be. All of which are examples of this concept.
How to Hustle, Mindfully
Understanding your core values as both a person and a professional is the first step. I remember Jenni asking me, which I now urge you to ask yourself, How do I want to spend my time, realistically? What did a day look like for me in this new world of following my core values? How often did I work? How much money do I make? What am I spending my time on? Let go of the expectations set by our capitalistic corporate system and you might be surprised by what you learn.
Mindful Hustling also allows you to look at your goals from a place of authenticity rather than comparison. We can use my goals as an example. In the beginning of coaching when I was talking about my goals for my book, the first thing I said was that I wanted to be published by a top ten publisher, be featured on Reese’s Book Club, and be on the bestseller list. But upon reflection, with my coach's help, I began to see that these goals don’t match up with what I actually care about which is making an impact. Instead I was so focused on meeting these goals that I had seen other people get that I didn't even stop to think about whether or not they even matched my true values of the life I wanted to live.
Mindful Hustling: Where to start
Success shouldn’t come at the expense of your mental and physical wellbeing. When it does, it’s often due to misalignment: When your values as a person aren’t aligned with the values of your job, employer, or the people you’re working with. For me, I struggled setting boundaries without being perceived as a bitch, important meetings were scheduled for days I had requested time off (requests that had been approved by the same people who later disregarded them), I felt tied to my desk, and some days, I would just lay on the floor and cry, praying that all the work would go away.
If there’s anything I hope young professionals take away from my experience it’s this: it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to be miserable. You just have to figure out what you want out of YOUR life and work mindfully towards that end. Here’s a few questions to get you started:
How do you want to spend your time?
What would a day look like for you in this new world of following your core values (respecting your time, mind and body)?
How often do you want to work?
How much money would you make?
What are you spending your time on?
By asking yourself these questions, you should be able to figure out the type of life you want to live so that you can start making decisions that reflect those things. You can absolutely still achieve all of your career goals, while making sure you are prioritizing your own wellbeing.
3 Exercises for Emotional Regulation
Between my BPD, anxiety, and depression (not to mention ADHD), I usually find it really difficult to process emotions as they come to me. Whether it’s a fight with my partner, Richard, or a comment someone made at work that triggered me, there are so many moments that cause me to break down, cry, react, or panic, and just generally cause me emotional distress. The key isn’t stopping those hard feelings from arising, but letting them pass.
In moments like these, when I recognize my anxiety showing up in physical symptoms – sudden stomach or headache, speeding heart rate – or negative self talk, I stop myself and ask “are these feelings real and true, or did something happen that has triggered this response?” The answer, which is usually the latter, then allows me to see, uh oh, I could use some help right now. That’s when I open my toolkit and see what sticks. Or, if I am not able to see it myself, Richard now knows the things to do when he can tell I am overwhelmed and need some extra love and support. It’s the act of taking care of yourself, nurturing your inner child that is scared and hurt. Not fighting with it or adding fuel to the fire. Here are a few things I do when I need some help regulating my emotion:
Tip #1: Submerge your face in a bowl of ice water for 20 seconds.
The first time I used this tool I was surprised at how quickly it worked. After I dried off, I really did feel better. Like the spiral was cut off. So grab a big bowl, fill it with ice water, and submerge!
Tip #2: 54321 Breathing Exercise.
While taking deep, even breaths, acknowledge:
FIVE things you see around you. It could be a blanket, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your cat, a pillow, or your hands rubbing together.
THREE things you can hear, outside of your body. Like a cat purring, a siren, the fridge rumbling.
TWO things you can smell. I like to keep a candle in the living room and bedroom for this exact purpose. Or honestly even just smelling my hair usually works (if I washed it recently, that is).
ONE thing you can taste. If you don’t have any food or drink near you, you can observe what the inside of your mouth tastes like.
Tip #3: RAIN Meditation
My Self Soothing Toolkit
With the help of my therapist and coach, I’ve assembled a toolkit of skills to calm and self-soothe when I feel my emotions spiraling out of control.
Have a mini spa night. Take a hot bath, light a candle, put on a face mask and read a good book while listening to Taylor Swift. I find that touching myself (like doing skincare) helps more than anything.
Write it out and journal. For a writer, it’s actually not too often that I write for myself these days. But when I do, it feels really freaking good. Even if it's just writing a stream of consciousness, getting the thoughts out of your head and onto the page makes a huge difference.
My personal fave, depending on my mood, is to dance it out in my underwear. Turn on some Maggie Rogers, light a candle, and just vibe.
Watch Gilmore Girls. Or the Little Mermaid. Something comforting and nostalgic. Right now I am really into Encanto (I mean who isn't) but anything that makes you feel good will do.
I love to bake so baking anything always helps me feel better. My husband loves to eat the batter so it really is a win win.
Sometimes when I am feeling ballsy, I will attempt to film a skincare tutorial. Usually I end up with a terrible video but doing your nightly routine feels good. You’ll have fun, it won’t matter.
My go to from my toolkit is to play with the cats. We have three so I can usually find one who is down to chase the laser pointer. If I dont have the energy, even just petting them does the trick. Even now, I have my little man Maverick asleep on my lap. Feeling his soft fur grounds me like no other. Either way, just smoosh them.
My personal fave: organize shit. Maybe the bookshelf needs some love. Or the tupperware drawer. Pick your poison and get to work. Again, don’t forget the Taylor Swift. Do you see a pattern?
If I am feeling particularly impulsive, I like to go to the container store or Target. I find it so comforting and I could spend hours there, even If I don't spend any money. That's rare, but it does happen.
If you don’t want to spend any money, which will inevitably happen if you go to either of those stores, take a walk around the block. Bring your headphones and sing out loud. Fuck everyone around you, just enjoy the fresh air.
Another fave: Masturbate. Weirdly, when I have a tummy ache, rubbing one out makes me feel better. But since Richard and I moved in together, usually I will just ask him if he wants to bone. He always says yes. But just make sure you finish! #pleasureequality
If the energy in your home is feeling off, it doesn't hurt to smudge everything. Grab some sage or palo santo. Open a window for the negative energy to go out of and then hit all the corners and doors. When you are done, you can also turn on the diffuser to do some aromatherapy.
An easy one that I often forget about is calling a friend. Someone you are just thinking about and wanna say hi to. They will appreciate it and you will feel better.
Another favorite and easy self soothing tool I use is to paint my nails and watch a rom com. My personal fave is Notting Hill or Bridget Jones' Diary, or more recently, Someone Great on Netflix.
My most frequent tool I use is meditation. This doesn’t work too well if you are trying to come down from an intense feeling, but after an hour or so, or most likely before bed, this will help so much. I personally use InsightTimer with a pair of headphones for some guided meditation. And every night before bed, I fall asleep to Yoga Nidra.
Deep breaths. This really should be number one, but it is so natural to me now that I honestly forgot about it. Breathing is your body’s natural regulator!
Do arts & crafts. Use your coloring book, embroider something, paint, etc. Just don’t forget to clean up after yourself… that's lowkey a note to self but it doesn't hurt to remind y’all too.
Smoke weed, baby doll. My psychiatrist really doesn’t agree with me on this but it’s okay. This is my toolkit, not hers. Depending on the time of day, I try to stick with hybrids or indica. I used to be able to smoke sativa but I found out it makes my anxiety way worse. For daytime, a favorite of mine is Gorilla Cookies, which is like a 60-40 sativa indica split hybrid that makes me feel creative and uplifted. And for nighttime, I have been loving Danny Daweedo by Fire Bros. It's a bit couch locky but I don't mind it if I had a particularly intense day.
Play some guitar. I like to jam out to early tswift for something comforting. Like Mean or Love Story. This used to be my number one skill but somewhere along the way it fell down the list.
Last but not least, the easiest and hardest thing on this list, is to be nice to yourself. Tell yourself nice things. You are loved. You are kind. You are hardworking. You are okay. You are not crazy. Your feelings are valid. You are strong and brave.