My Friend Virginia

Isabel by Leila Anne-Marie

Eyes closed, head back, neck tall. My fingers move across the keyboard. They dance. They skate. They follow over the aluminum and stainless keys.  It’s been a long time since I just wrote. Just let the words empty out through my finger tips. Tap tap tap. The stream of consciousness made famous by the great Virginia Woolf. When I moved to London, I was inebriated with the amount of information and culture I was learning every single day. I was inspired. It was then when I learned that the way that I write is okay, and maybe even appreciated? Did I need to have outlines and plans? Or could I just write and find a way to make it into a story?

I never thought that I could play chess. My first time experiencing the game was when I was really little, maybe 5 or 6. I would watch my dad and grandpa play at Christmas time. As I got older my dad taught my brother and sister. But never me. I always wondered why he didn’t try to teach me. It’s not like I asked, don’t get me wrong. I did not want to learn chess. It seemed boring and purposeless. I couldn’t even fathom sitting for any longer than 20 minutes without moving. 

I think everyone was right when they say that your brain is still developing until you’re 24. Or maybe it’s 26, but that would be less applicable to my story. I used to think that I knew who I was. I was so confident. So sure. But over the last few years, things changed. I started to doubt who I was. I depended on other people to tell me the answer to that. When I was in high school, I was the leader. But before, suddenly I was nothing but a follower. Now, here we are, 24. My life isn’t what I expected it to be. I spent the first 24 yers of my life in constant pain and anxiety. I don’t have to do that anymore. It doesn’t have to be like that. I can practice what I preach. I need to follow through. Be held accountable. I still don’t think I know who I am or what I want. But I at least know what I do not want and what I will not tolerate. I am okay just being for a little while. I don’t need to plan. Nor do I want to follow. And with Richard, I can just be. We can just be together. Still. Floating in the stream. Waves crash over us. Nose above water. Bliss. Slight touch of the toes. Fingers grasp by the tips. You can feel the connectivity between us. 

I need to stop planning. There is nothing I can do right now except let time go by. Be present. The world is moving around us but we don’t have anywhere to go. Choosing each other. But I can’t forget myself. How do I spend time alone when hangin out with him is better? He makes me better. 

So instead of just doing things that will impact me in the future, I am going to just focus on me. Like self care, I guess. Write just to write. Read just to read. I am in control. We are all free to do whatever it is we want to do. Going to reread illusions.  I just miss having teachers. And people that cared.